Saturday, December 22, 2007

When I was young...

Continuing the tale...

*flash back*

I was young and stupid I am only stupid...

Throughout my life I had my fair share of infatuations, but his tale is about one infatuation that I took to the next level.

I was 12 years old...

Feelings I had for this girl. But this time, I gathered up my courage and told her how I felt. And what do you know, she felt the same way too. The feeling was ecstatic like how many of you would know.

Our 'so-called' relationship continued on for a period of time. However, at this very period of time, due to some circumstances, I formed a character hated by everyone. If I were to describe myself then, I would probably say I am a quiet stuck-up insensitive loner who is no different than a donkey's behind.

Well, my character then would best understood if I told you the outcome of it:
  • I became a social outcast.
  • I made more enemies than friends. Even my childhood friends wanted to slap me.
  • I had no friends during my freshman year of SMKDU, along with that I angered gangsters that wanted to slaughter me then.
  • When I was elected as the prefect's Discipline Officer for form 2, majority of the prefects of my age then wanted to quit as soon as they found out.
  • Etc.
Yes, that was my life then the dawn of the new millennium. How did I turn out to be that way? Well, I'm not going to go into details. But know this, it's all related to that relationship with that girl (I'm not blaming her in anyway, the fault is entirely mine).

After a year or so, we 'broke-up'. It was (kind-of) my first time experiencing it, the first cut to the heart is the deepest. A flood of sadness overwhelmed me at that time, that I made a vow, somewhat a promise to God that I won't have any relationship with any female for my 5 years in SMKDU, that I will focus on what is more important.

From than onwards, things began to change for the better, slowly but surely. I only began to make friends in form 2, by God's grace trying to right my wrongs.


Now then, what I want to share today, is about my 5 years vow. I still had my fair share of crushes and infatuation during these 5 years, however I never made any effort to take any form of step further. The outcome? Heheheh....

I guess it's due to my hated character that I portrait that my juniors are afraid of me, though I tried to change, some essence of it still lingers.
And I believe because of that vow, I had this fear of females as how my fellow wuliaonanhai would describe.
And also along the way, I have learned to compress my emotions deep within. My course mates seemed to think I am incapable of emotions. Some others say I am putting on a mask often.

Uh-huh. This is me, or at least it's how I look at myself then now.

My childhood friend Ben Ong, who have been following me on this particular journey, asked me a question one day just after form 5: "So Ean, now that your 'cursed' (he's talking about the vow I made) is finally over, who are you targeting next?"

WHAT THE?!? No, not yet. I'll somehow know when God crosses my path with the right one.

And as for myself, my fellow wuliaonanhai said that I changed since the last time we gathered, they said I became even more open and dare to say things I normally wouldn't dare to say. Is it? Maybe, maybe not.

Thank you for your time! Blessed Christmas and Happy Holidays!

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